Thursday, February 19, 2015

The Struggle is Real

You guys, lately, I have been struggling.  I have been struggling to come to terms with the new roles and realities in my life. How does one be a mother and also feel free to be an independent, stylish and put together lady who achieves all the goals she sets for herself? *Scratches Head*... Coming to terms with the fact that my life has changed so much in the past year, mostly for the better and learning to go with the flow, has been kind of tough on me. Even when I was pregnant, I went out and did the things that I wanted to do, up until the very end. I didn't hesitate to make a last minute decision and run with it. I went to events. I got facials same day appointments. I started projects and whipped out my sewing machine on a whim. I did lots of stuff for myself. Things aren't like that any more. I have oodles of responsibilities. Sure, I had responsibilities before but things are way more real now, like, I am 1 of 2 people keeping an infant alive. A good majority of the food for said infant is either being created by my body or being bought by this body at Target or being made by this body in a food processor (with mixed results). The point that I'm getting at is that life is different and while I love being a mother (like, WHOA BIG TIME LOVE IT), I don't love how little time I have left at the end of the day to be "me". Who am I anyways?

I guess I wasn't prepared that becoming a mother would make me feel like I am engulfed in all things baby, floating further and further away from myself in the process. There is an ever growing list of things that I want to do creatively that I just have to whittle down because if we are being honest, my spare time is limited and I am seriously lacking focus. Self care is the same story. If I want to get a pedicure or facial, it has to be a part of a schedule that we have pre-planned so that everything for the baby is buttoned up. Yoga? On the schedule. When I eat food? On the schedule and sometimes not even when scheduled. Imagine how hard it is to schedule time to sew. I fully understand that I am in my first year of motherhood and that it's not supposed to be super easy but I guess I just had always figured that if I put my mind to something (ie: "Having it All"), that it wouldn't be an issue for me. My mind is always thinking about the next thing that I have to get done so that I can be "productive" but the problem is that it doesn't matter how much I get done, I will always think I could have done more. Until now...

I've just recently realized that sometimes you can't push yourself too hard. I had my first ever migraine this week. Like splotchy, scary, blurred vision and a searing headache. I had no idea what it was until I went to the eye doctor the following morning. Duh, it was a migraine. Migraines can be brought on by stress, exhaustion, dehydration and so on and so forth. Bottom line, I'm probably not taking the best care of myself. I am also probably holding myself to some pretty high standards that no super human could rise to. Long story short, I need to give myself a break once in awhile.

The old me, well, she was doing everything she wanted to do. The new me? Well, I am still getting to know her. I am a mother now, which is a pretty important job, one that I wanted. While being a mother doesn't define me, it will be forever a part of who I am. This is "me". I am an individual but I am also part of a new team, one which might have more members in the future. I need to embrace it, not buck it off because I sort of long for what it was like before. It will never be like before. Life is a balance of holding on and letting go...

Has anyone had a similar experience?


7 comments:

  1. this is the story of my life. (and so many others) I'd love to tell you that as #propahbaby grows it'll get 'easier' but that would be a lie. I will say that you're ahead of the game by staying in touch with your 'old' self - I ignored her for a long time and that wasn't good for anyone. I wish more moms were honest about this. xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  2. You're, like, my idol! If I'm half as good a Mom as you are, and half as creative, then I will be in good shape!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Yes, yes, aaaaaand yes. ps - we should get together soon!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh, Amanda. It is the plight of mama's everywhere! My kids are now 10 and 8 and I am in a total struggle. They come in waves - I go through times of ease and self expression with my kiddos bouncing along happily and then get thrown back into mothering and household duties so intensely that grasping any time for myself feels so foreign. My "independent me" can only handle that for so long and then I start barking orders, resenting things, feeling all sorts of anger and discontent and have to carve out some me time or else I'll explode. Then, things fall into a happy rhythm again. Acknowledging that you are struggling and need some time for YOU is HUGE - then you can look at what areas need more support so you have time - or where you may be saying yes to stuff that maybe you need to stop for a little while. Grab some baby food at Target for a couple weeks and let yourself off the blending hook. Then you can blend again when you've had a chance to breathe and are truly into it (or whatever this means to you). You got this! It's not easy to say yes to yourself when everyone else needs you but, you have to find the space. You'll be a better mama and wife when you take some you time, I believe that. Now ... I'm going to try and do the same! Hugs xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  5. I feel like there is tons that people don't talk about BEFORE you become a Mom for fear they will scare you out of it lol! I was thinking about it this morning and my husband takes me time, mostly to play video games, but he does it and doesn't feel guilty about it. I need to do that too. I don't know what it is about women, but often we are self sacrificial, even when we don't need to be. Let's take some time for ourselves, Kristen, one of my first online friends ever! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  6. Yes we should! This Winter has been the worst for making weekend plans only to have them ruined by snow!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Can you believe we have known each online other for YEARS?! Pretty sweet to be friend with you Amanda! There is a lot of stuff that goes unsaid and mom guilt is real!!! One of the hardest things was being completely honest about my struggles since I thought "I shouldn't feel this way or that way, I'm a terrible mom, person, ect." but that's bullshit. We all have needs and taking time for ourselves makes us happier, calmer, better mama's. Looking forward to some me time for us both!

    ReplyDelete

Gimme Gimme Some Lovin'